There’s No Place Like Home January 29, 2006

It’s a hard thing to realize that you can’t go home again. Or maybe it’s not that you can’t go back. Maybe it’s realizing that home isn’t home anymore. “Home” takes on a whole new meaning.

I came to this realization a couple of weeks ago. Up to that point whenever I had a bad moment (and there are plenty of those to go around) I would fantasize about dropping everything in NY and moving back to TX – Waco if I were lucky. Life would be sweet again and I would get hugs everyday. Home was the place to be.

And then it hit me. I’m gone. Texas is no longer my home. I know in the short time I’ve been gone the people and nuances of Waco have changed, and I’ve changed too. Going back would be like trying to relive a part of my life that no matter how much I loved, is over. Like I said, it’s a hard thing to come to grips with.

The problem now is this: I don’t consider NY home, either. Not just yet. I’m in limbo. I’m just kind of … here. Maybe all that will change one day.

But until that day comes, here’s to you TX. Thanks for all the memories.

Such Great Heights January 27, 2006

I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned
I would like to speculate that God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but it’s thoughts like this that
Catch my troubled head when you’re away and I’m missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for several weeks of shows and when
You scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights, “Come down now,”
They’ll say. But everything looks perfect from far away,
“Come down now,” but we’ll stay

I tried my best to leave this all on your machine but the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly, you will hear the shrillest highs and
Lowest lows with the windows down when this is guiding you home.

“Such Great Heights” by Iron and Wine (also covered by The Postal Service)

p.s. Celina, this post was inspired by you.

An Identity of One’s Own January 18, 2006

As I enjoyed coffee (or a derivative of coffee, anyway) and conversation with friends whilst in Texas last month, an interesting observation was made. We – as in the collective ‘we’ – are all too quick to slap a label on anything and everything (especially if it involves controversy), stick it in a box, and set it aside. Why do we do this? My theory is we don’t want to take the time to really examine each thing to find out what makes it special, unique, or simply itself. Such are the consequences of living in an instant gratification society.

I have to admit, I’m not immune to the whole label-making phenomenon. I’ve spent my life giving and recieving labels, defining myself by how others percieved me.

In high school I was the over-achiever, the smart girl, the quiet one, the goody goody, an Eaglette, a Roadie, and according to my senior yearbook, “Most Inspirational.”

In college I retained some of those labels, but I also gained: Candace and Suzanne’s best friend (people were confused when we weren’t together), a Calvary person, a feminist, a library nerd, an English major, a devout StuFu-er, and one of my favorites, babysitter (I miss my Keaton, Laine, Katie, and Gordy!).

I was accustomed to my labels (and those weren’t all of them), and was content to rest in them. Little did I know that moving to New York in August would profoundly change that.

For the first time in my life I was in a place where I was a complete unknown, an enigma to all those around me. I still carried some obvious labels – best friend (that one will be there forever), Christian, nanny. That was about it. I was stripped to the very core of myself … and I had no idea what to do with it.

I’ve spent the last five months getting to know who I am, labels aside, and it’s been a painful and fascinating journey. As much as I’ve whined and complained, I’m coming out of it a better person. I’m stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I will always label and will always be labeled, it’s human nature. But now I know what lies underneath those labels, and I will cling to that for the rest of my life.

Lindsay, it’s nice to finally meet you.

The Year in Review January 2, 2006

Before my three readers decide to revolt and overthrow my blog, I shall appease them with an update. Perhaps “update” isn’t the correct word … let’s look back at 2005.

January: Celebrated the new year in Birmingham, AL. Entered into my last full semester at Baylor University. Wondered why I decided to cram in an entire English major into a year.

February: Lady Bears National Champs. Everything else is a blur.

March: Bearathon. No sleep. Blur.

April: Easter in Waco. Milton project and paper take over my life. Diadeloso. Sat on the tug-of-war sand for three hours with Candace and three Chambermen. First phone interview with nanny agency. Accepted first ever bridesmaid position. Blur.

May: Kelly Clarkson concert (I still love her). Candace’s graduation. Moved out of tinder-box apartment of two years. The end of Milton – forever.

June: Split time between DeSoto and Waco. Multiple phone interviews to become nanny. Offered job as a nanny on Long Island. Accepted. Turned 22.

July: Family reunion in Colorado. Left for semester abroad. Cruised through the Greek Isles and attained worst sunburn of life. Bombings in London. Saw and cried at “Les Miserables”. Got hit on in an English pub.

August: Came back to United States. Graduated from Baylor. Moved to New York. All in less than a week. Also spent two weeks in the Hamptons. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

September: Don’t remember.

October: Traveled back to Waco for Chris’ wedding. Weird. Decided to apply to Fordham University for grad school.

November: Celebrated Thanksgiving with my urban family in NY. Took a weekend trip to Canada/Niagara Falls. Learned to drive in a snowstorm.

December: Fulfilled bridesmaid duties. Survived first snowstorm on Long Island. MRI. Drove from NY to TX with my sister. Decided Arkansas is my least favorite state to drive through. Christmas in Tyler. Welcomed best friend home from Belgium. Drove to San Antonio to celebrate the coming of the New Year.

How fast time flies. Here’s hoping 2006 brings healing and change for us all.