… the word on in the street is that the fire in your heart is out. I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you, Oasis and all who have covered the song since (especially Ryan Adams – mmm). But what do you do when there was no fire in your heart to begin with? Let me ‘splain.
Oftentimes we as Christians are called to give our “testimony” of how we came to Christ and the journey since that moment. I’ve never felt comfortable doing this, except perhaps the day after I recieved Christ and told everyone in the first grade about it while we were waiting to go into our reading classes. I was six, I was fearless.
Six years old now strikes me as an extremely young age to make such a decision. As we say at Calvary, I was accepting all of the Jesus I knew at the time, but even now it seems as though I haven’t progressed much past that point. My child’s faith stayed just that, and has perhaps regressed in these last 16 years.
I remember once I got to the youth group and started going to church camps and the like always feeling like I was a bad Christian because I didn’t do a Bible study every morning and prayers weren’t falling from my lips 24/7. I didn’t feel God move at church camp like all the other kids. I never felt God. One year when everyone was crying because they were convicted of something or just felt the overwhelming presence of God, I cried because I had never felt that and never felt like I would.
I was excellent at being a pretend Christian. I was involved in the youth group – I even sang in the Praise Team my senior year of high school. While others lifted their hands in worship, I wondered what I was missing. It was like I had God ADD or something. I just couldn’t focus and not being in the “church clique” didn’t help my situation any.
College wasn’t any better. I skipped church the majority of my freshman year and half of my sophomore year. To me, there was no need. I wasn’t feeling it like everyone else. I couldn’t name my favorite bible verse because I really hadn’t been exposed to scripture since I learned my ABC Bible verses in kindergarten.
I found Calvary halfway through my sophomore year, and immediately felt at home. Not because I was being spiritually fed or challenged, but because the people loved me from the moment I stepped in the door. I love Calvary for that reason, if for no other reason. I thought that getting involved would help me back to the root of my supposed Christianity and help me answer some questions.
To be continued … this post is already long enough.
*I just discovered this unpublished post from June 2006. I’m going to leave it in its original form and then continue on with Pt. 2 another time.